10 Easy Ways to Avoid “The Freshman 185”

College is a time of social blossoming and priceless experience. It can also be a time of bad habits, high-stress, and general health taking a backseat. Here are ten quick tips to help you dodge that notorious “freshman 185.”

10. Though it accommodates the curves of your body arguably better than your favorite spandex suit, your futon is actually the enemy. That’s exactly why it’s advised that you vacate it at least once daily. If you are feeling ambitious, go for two times.

9. Sure, that heaping plate of monosodium glutamate and butylated hydroxyanisole may be tasty. But that Frankenstein food was probably processed at some factory by Julio, a middle-aged man with a heart full of regret and a lunchbox full of two week-old tuna melt. Imagine him sobbing uncontrollably in and around the unfinished product. “Oh, Agatha,” he cries. “I should have changed my cock-fighting ways.” Don’t eat the tears of Julio. Eat a damn apple.

8. It may be tempting to hire a squad of foreign rickshaw drivers that alternate daily to ensure maximum efficiency, but walking will have to be done at some point if the weight is to be kept at bay. Besides, the economy is unstable and it’s definitely a rickshaw’s market, so good luck getting a fair deal.

7. A stick of butter is absolutely not a snack.

6. Avoid wild nights that could lead to unconsciousness. Once blacked out, it’s all too easy of a progression to wake up trapped in a massive block of gelatin with the only escape being to binge-eat your way out.

5. Under no circumstances should you be eating Count Chochula out of a 55 gallon drum.

4. Getting involved with student organizations is a great way to set an active pace in college. With groups ranging from Underwater Crochet Club and Pottery in the Nude, to the Nigerian Dwarf Goat’s Liberation Army (NDGLA), certainly anyone can find a niche.

3. Semi-reliable line graphs show an ambiguous correlation between the dropping of the “dun dun dun” and the amassing of weight.

2. Despite popular belief, ravenously wolfing down three pounds of semi-frozen toaster waffles does have downsides. Tread lightly.

1. If ever you feel the urge to directly inject yourself with lard, resist. Chad at the party swears it’s what all the cool kids are doing. “You gotta try it!” cute Emily from English class will impel. One little injection of raw lard might seem like harmless fun, but soon you’ll find yourself shooting up multiple times throughout the day, always looking for the next fix. Before you even realize, you’ve put on that unwanted weight. Just walk away from syringe.