In an exciting development, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has confirmed that Mars rover Curiosity, an unmanned exploratory vehicle on the surface of the red planet, has become mobile for the first time. The rover’s mission, according to head NASA administrator Charles Frank “Charlie” Bolden, Jr., will now shift from taking still photos […] Read more
All people, places, and things in Western Nebraska appear to be unreachable, according to reports from across the country. Phone lines appear to be empty, internet usage has flatlined, and lights appear to have gone out in all areas leading to the Omaha and Lincoln metro areas. “They appear to have completely…. vanished,” said notably […] Read more
After searching around his reclining chair for “ten damn minutes,” 63 year-old Lincoln resident and loving grandfather of six Louis Barton realized that he was never going to find “that stupid remote” without getting up, and decided to resign himself to watching “whatever the hell this is.” As the “ridiculously stupid” program played, Barton could […] Read more
House Republicans reaffirmed their position that the female body is truly a wonderland. “What I’ve always been told by Doctors,” said Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, “Is that women can only get pregnant if they want to. It’s a like a switch that they turn off and on, and only if the man consents to having […] Read more
A late-night meal at Village Inn turned sour last Saturday evening when local hoarder Gertrude Harris refused to pass a bottle of Heinz ketchup to a table of students just feet away. Other customers on-site at the time reported they were just as astounded at the inattentive service as they were at the selfishness of […] Read more
After it was announced that “Lord of the Rings” director Peter Jackson intended to divide “The Hobbit” into three parts, a sense of confusion and apprehension was felt amongst the nerd community. Upon hearing the news, Jackson’s avid followers were forced to ask a difficult question: why would the shortest book of the “Lord of […] Read more
