Hey there fellow lawbreakers! We all know drugs aren’t the easiest thing to come by nowadays and that good dealers are hard to find. It’s a never-ending cycle. You find a reliable guy and all of a sudden he’s sketch as hell. It starts innocently with your calls not being returned, and before long he […] Read more
It seems to me that students have forgotten the benefits of slacking off. When did the time-worn tradition of “get C’s, get degrees” go out of style? I’m tired of my group badgering me to come to class for group projects. It’s worth ten points. I don’t turn in anything worth less than thirty points […] Read more
It is an annual rite of passage that fans of the University of Nebraska Men’s Basketball team know well: the selection of the college teams that will not be advancing to any sort of post-season play. Colloquially known as March Sadness, it is something that Nebrasketball fans have come to love and cherish. A time […] Read more
Following several hours of friendly socializing in a fun and laid-back environment, a local house party Friday night took a turn for the worse when a group of white people showed up. Prior to their arrival, party guests enjoyed pleasant conversations with each other while drinking assorted beverages to the sound of a well-put-together playlist […] Read more
A widely-publicised trip to North Korea by former Bulls star Dennis Rodman became far more than a friendly visit when Kim Jong Un, the current Supreme Leader, revealed to his citizens the fact that Kim, too, has long been a black basketball star. “We are excited to welcome our brother and fellow NBA superstar Dennis […] Read more
Panic struck the Budweiser manufacturing plant last Thursday as trace amounts of beer were discovered in the water during its final stages of production before being bottled. “During a routine inspection of the sanitization stage, the water tested positive for beer. We made sure to remove the entire batch from production, but we’re unsure how […] Read more
In the latest of what promises to be an ongoing story, UNL chancellor Harvey Perlman has recently taken to calling himself “Harvey Stardust” and is insistent that students and staff do the same. What began with the simple rebranding of his Twitter account, @Harvey_Perlman has now blossomed into a full-scale reinvention of his clothing, makeup […] Read more
Chuck Hagel’s contentious 58-41 Senate confirmation to the position of Secretary of Defense may seem like the end of a controversial journey to the White House. Hagel still faces the most difficult part of our Democratic process, known as “The Initiation.” “The Initiation” is a set of challenges, ranging from simple tests of patriotism to […] Read more
Late Friday evening, one of Lincoln’s most admired mud puddles was marred by an unfortunate encounter with a pair of women’s Ugg boots as they trampled over the mixture of soil and water. The owner of the mud puddle, a homeless man by the name of Amos, expressed outrage at the incident. “Son of a […] Read more
Dale Goonwitch doesn’t mind working as much as he used to. In fact, he minds very little at all as of late. “My soul has been off for the past four months,” Goonwitch said. “I feel better. I mean, not better, but at least not worse.” Goonwitch is an assistant manager at Bags of Stuff, […] Read more
