Growing up in Nigeria, I heard many stories about the kindness, generosity and good will of the American people. You have all disappointed me. Not long ago, there were violent rebel factions seizing Nigerian banks, effectively holding my family’s fortune hostage. Having heard so much about Americans’ understanding nature, I reached out to thousands by […] Read more
Hello, world. It’s been a while! I just wanted everyone to know that my cats and I, particularly that minx Spartacus, have been doing very well. We’ve kept busy selling arts and crafts and doing things around the house, like when I redecorated the couch with a new slipcover. It’s those kinds of exciting changes […] Read more
In a strange turn of events, the interim Athletic Director at Rutgers, Carl Kirschner, announced plans to form a varsity dodgeball team. “Mike Rice has not been released from Rutgers, but instead named head coach of the Scarlet Knights dodge ball team,” said Kirschner. The plan was announced after footage of Rice hurling basketballs at […] Read more
Yesterday was Career Day in Miss Hoffman’s Kindergarten class, and if this year’s class is anything to go by, there’ll be a lot of depressed people at the class reunion. “Oh you know, Career Day. You get the usual crop of policemen and firefighters, a couple mailmen here or there. Those kids are fine; I […] Read more
In the midst of cyber-espionage attacks from China, the US government keeps stumbling upon fantastic prizes across the internet. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel issued a public statement last week that the United States budget for next year will be looking better than ever with expected returns on twenty different million dollar prizes through various […] Read more
The recent, universally-acclaimed touchdown run by a young cancer patient inspired many around the country. It did not, however, give much hope to young Johnny Wilkinson. A Nebraska men’s basketball fan who has been battling a similar disease for the last three years, Johnny has never been contacted by the athletic department or head coach […] Read more
In what proved to be a miraculous day for local Arby’s employees, former employee Jesse Clemons returned from college and blessed the minimum wage job with his knowledge. Clemons spent the past ten months at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln but made his long-prophesied return to his birthright after classes dismissed for the summer. Gracing the […] Read more
The restaurant was packed on what seemed to be a normal night at Lou’s Diner. Families celebrated birthdays and anniversaries. Laughter and revelry could be heard throughout the establishment. Nobody had any idea of the tragedy that was about to occur. In what witnesses describe as “horrific” and “like 9/11 but probably way worse,” a […] Read more
Head coach Greg McDermott and the Creighton men’s basketball coaching staff has been hot on the trail of new recruits since their season ended. They have landed a sizable amount of recruits for both the 2013-2014 and 2014-15 seasons already, and they’ve even gotten their first recruit for the 2027 season: Ryan McDermott. It looks […] Read more
According to recent reports, Jenny Fishburn, a sophomore general studies major and self-described princess, is as of now, “over it.” The “it” that Fishburn is referring to is an incident that occurred last weekend at an undisclosed fraternity party in which her ex-boyfriend, Chase Michaels, was observed making small talk with a group of individuals, […] Read more
