5 things you haven’t broken, yet

You’ve broken a lot of things in your life, you little freak. But there are still five things you haven’t totally demolished as of yet.

  1. The sound-barrier. You still haven’t moved quicker than 767 mph, thus breaking the infamous sound-barrier. It’s bound to happen eventually, but you might want to get on that sooner rather than later.
  2. Your promise that you will never grievously disappoint the ones you love. Don’t feel discouraged; you are a capable human being, after all. While it may seem hard, you can definitely deeply shame and disgust those closest to you with enough time and effort. We believe in you. You will break that promise to them in no time!
  3. Your roommate’s stupid lamp. Jesus, what was Darrel thinking? Why did he buy a lamp that’s made from an anchor? And–dear Lord–the shade is made out of seashells and dried kelp. Really, you’ll break this sometime, and you’ll be doing everyone a favor.
  4. The puzzle of the Gordian knot. You’ve got it in the bag, pal! Alexander’s gonna be super peeved.
  5. Nebraska’s anti-whaling law. Try as you might, fate and destiny preordained that you would break the law and hunt those majestic whales drifting through the prairies. You’ll find yourself holding a harpoon sometime in the future, waiting for those poor beasts to breach and feel your wrath.