Ah, it’s that time of year again friends: Valentine’s Day.
For some, this means melting in the warm caress of a lover’s arms. For satire writers and others, it’s a reminder of the unrelenting agony of solitude.
If you do, however, manage to find the gumption to ask your crush out only for them to inevitably leave you for someone way cooler, here are a few tips to play it off like it was nothing:
- Don’t overthink it: Just chill out, it’s all good. It probably wasn’t something you said or did. Don’t worry; you’re fun and interesting! People like hanging out with you, and you have a lot to offer. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, buddy.
- Stop overthinking it: Just be cool. More than likely, it didn’t have anything to do with your desperate need to seem interesting. You definitely didn’t come off that way, and anybody who saw you verbalizing random memes in an effort to be funny would totally agree. Your loss, Michelle.
- Go do something that makes you happy: Valentine’s Day is stupid and overrated, anyway. Why not go do something which only amplifies the overarching sadness of being alone? Take a walk and cool off; maybe grab some coffee or something. There’s nothing remotely pathetic about sipping a cappuccino by yourself, surrounded by couples who have found the beauty of love.
- Try asking someone else out: It’s worth a shot, right? You can’t be the only person alone on Valentine’s Day (or forever). You could walk up to someone and say something smooth like, “Hey, what’s a dime like you doing outside of a parking meter?” Trust me, there’s no way this could go wrong.
- Okay, seriously, stop overthinking it: Calm down. At this point you’re just overanalyzing everything that you both said and it’s just going to make you worry more. So what if they rolled their eyes every time you tried to flirt with them or gave an obviously insincere chuckle at your jokes? It’s not your fault that you’re putting way too much effort into it, so stop acting like you’re better than other people, Michelle.
- Cry: Well, this is pretty much a last-ditch effort. It shows you’re sensitive, and people find sensitivity attractive. Surely one of the kind souls in passing will take pity on you and be your date for the day. There’s no better way to find your significant other in between sobs and incoherent blubbering about your broken love life.
- Please come back, Michelle: Michelle, please give us a second chance. I know we’ve only known each other for a little over two weeks, but I’m completely head over heels for you. We’ve had such good moments together! Like the time I awkwardly asked you out after class and you said, “Sure,” and didn’t talk to me until our dinner reservation on Valentine’s Day. It was so sweet; the way you casually handed me the bill, said, “Okay, bye,” and walked out will always be my favorite memory we’ve shared. So what do you say, Michelle? I’m not into biological sciences, but I can tell that there’s definitely chemistry between us.