Do you hate your piece of garbage roommate as much as you hate confrontation? If so, here are 7 tips and tricks to help you fool your roommate into moving out without being unnecessarily civil and honest.
1. Constantly wallow about how sad you are that they are moving out next week: With enough persistence, a memory of your god-awful roommate announcing their own exodus might miraculously form in their head.
2. Ask them to join you every morning in prayer to your beloved god Cthulhu: Sure, they said they were religiously tolerant, but they may be wary of joining a cult any time soon. This tension will cause anxiety which will certainly result in their departure.
3. Every time they need quiet study time, call your good pal Barack Obama: This one works especially well with roommates who are also die-hard conservatives. Never give that bastard a moment of peace by constantly calling up ol’ Barry O. and talking for hours about your favorite high school bowling team. Your roommate probably got cut from their high school bowling team and won’t stand to live with you.
4. Ask if they would like the last piece of pizza in the fridge knowing very well that you ate it for lunch: Just imagine how devastated your obnoxious roommate will be. They will be forced to relocate lest their misery consume them.
5. Only refer to them as “Benny and the Jets.”
6. Assure them that you totally don’t judge them for the super kinky porn they watch: Your atrocious excuse for a roommate never realized that you walked in on them enjoying an extremely risqué porn video. They will likely leave the room permanently to avoid death via embarrassment.
7. If all else fails, subtly replace every remnant of their existence with actor Noah Munck, better known for his role as Gibby on “iCarly”: This is the last resort only to be used in dire need. Start by replacing every photo of your plebeian roommate with a flattering picture of Noah Munck. Then erase every written instance of their name and write over it “Noah—a.k.a. the most important side character in Nickelodeon history—Munck.” As time goes on, your ignoramus of a roommate will finally understand that they are, in fact, superstar Noah Munck. They will proceed to move out of your room as they realize they have way too much money to need to pursue an actual education.
If you follow these 7 tips and tricks successfully, your sloppy roommate should be long-gone, never to return. Congratulations! Good luck with your next roommate — hopefully, they aren’t a major dickhead!