Residents of Zanesville, Ohio, a rural town 45 miles east of Columbus, woke up to an unpleasant surprise last Tuesday. In a story that would become national news, police were involved in a shoot-to-kill hunt for an escaped Joe Biden.
The Vice President, last seen throwing sticks and pebbles at law enforcement officers, escaped his handler in the early hours. Taking to the woods, Biden was seen removing all but his Power Rangers boxers before he melted back into his native wilderness.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz told CNN. “Ohio has some of the nation’s loosest laws on Biden control, and as a result he tends to wreak more havoc here than in better-controlled states.
“Like that time he got loose at [President Barack] Obama’s campaign stop in January? It took the Clermont county deputies nearly a week to figure out where he was hiding — he’d crammed a squirrel’s nest on his head, but not before he dressed the angry creatures in tiny sweater vests and released them at an Ohio State home game. Those fine officers, rest their souls, learned the hard way when he was finally located that that tranquilizer darts only make Biden angry. We can’t make that mistake here in Zanesville.”
The Obama administration has thrown its full support behind the Sheriff, saying in a press briefing that “Joe is a big boy now. The administrations sends its apologies to the people of Ohio, and suggests you try laying a live trap baited with marshmallow crème.”
At press time, Biden had been spotted urinating on a statue of Abraham Lincoln outside the Zanesville City Hall. No capture or fatality has yet been reported.