Alabama To Add “School” to Wildly Successful Football Program

The Alabama Crimson Tide, fresh off their successful defeat of the Notre Dame Fighting Te’os in the recent BCS National Championship, begrudgingly announced that, beginning in August of this year, they will found a University.

Head coach Nick Saban explained. “For years, the NCAA has been on our ass. ‘Stop oversigning. Make kids go to class. Nah nah nah nah nah.’ Well here it is, people. I hope you’re happy.”

Tentatively named “the University of Alabama,” the school is slated to provide post-secondary educational opportunities to not only football players, but the general public. Sources inside the program indicate that people who do not play football, but have successfully completed high school or obtained a GED, will be allowed to come to campus if they pass what is being called an “application process.” Those who will be playing football will still not be required to finish high school.

“There’ll be classrooms, dormitories, Greek houses, and even a dining hall or two,” said a testy Saban. “Granted, it’ll be constructed with whatever’s left from donations after football’s done with it. But whatever, they’ll be fine.”

The founding of a University to accompany a successful college football program has been tradition amongst recent national champions, beginning with the conversion of Miami from a youth penitentiary into a college following their 1989 National title. Schools such as Washington and Florida would follow suit.

Ohio State, after its 2002 title, announced tentative plans to create a University. However, progress has stalled since subsequent generations of Ohio State players have been unable to comprehend that they do not need to add the unnecessary qualifier “the” when speaking the University’s name.

Saban, in his closing statement, offered a few words to doubters that the Crimson Tide were serious about the adaption of this program.

“I’m as serious about this as I was with my commitment to the Dolphins,” he said. “By the time my tenure here is done, nearly one in every ten defensive backs will be able to count the number of children they have. Roll Tide.”

  • Darrell Stamant

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