Sources close to Cassandra Alvarez’s organs confirmed Monday that her appendix hasn’t been doing its share in helping keep its owner alive.
“I’ll admit I haven’t been as active as others may have hoped,” her appendix told reporters. “But hey, I am who I am.”
And who he is, according to Alvarez’s other organs, is a dick.
“I’m so tired of his attitude,” her liver said. “He acts like just because we can function without him, we’ll be willing to forgo his help.”
Her lungs agreed, saying there was a “lack of consideration.”
“I’m already stressed,” they said. “I bet [the appendix] doesn’t even know Cassandra smokes, because he never pays attention to anything. He’s just off in his own world, figuring out ways to not help.”
Alvarez’s stomach voiced her complaints about the set up, saying she wished they could just “cut the appendix out.”
“He’s virtually unresponsive at times,” she said. “No way to get ahold of him, be it text, Facebook message or synapse. It’s embarrassing to have to contact the brain and say we have a deadbeat in our midst, because it still reflects poorly on us and our project.”
Everyone should have a more open mind, according to the appendix.
“It’s a matter of life philosophies,” he said. “A hungry monkey walks up to the tree. He looks down and sees a bruised banana at the base. He looks up and sees a ripe banana hanging among the leaves.”
“I’m not going to climb the tree,” he elaborated. “I’m going to eat the ground banana.”