It was announced Saturday that all pending criminal charges against local 22-year-old Kevin Schaefer, of Beatrice, would be dropped following a compelling defense.
The jury found Schaefer innocent of all charges after overwhelming evidence and witness testimony concluded that Schaefer is, in fact, one of the stupidest people on the planet.
“Honestly, it wasn’t an extremely hard decision to come to when all was said and done,” one juror commented. “I mean, the guy came into the courtroom wearing sunglasses and with a vape pen in his front pocket. It was abundantly clear that this was not an individual who has a large degree of mental capacity.”
Schaefer was charged with a number of infractions including public urination, disturbance of the peace, general indecency and attempted seduction of a local horse. A number of vocal critics questioned the court’s ruling, pointing out that being dumb as all hell doesn’t excuse property damage and severe psychological trauma on the part of the horse.
However, Schaefer’s lawyer pointed out that his parents are “loaded” and that it’s not Schaefer’s fault that he’s completely unable to tell the difference between a urinal and the corner of the Beatrice Police Department because “he’s a total dipshit.”