Arrest warrant issued for student in violation of academic probation

As of 4 A.M. Thursday morning the Lincoln Police Department and campus police issued an arrest warrant for freshman general studies major Zach Jorgensen after violating the terms of his academic probation. Officials have since launched a citywide manhunt for the suspect and continue to sweep the streets for the underachieving fugitive.

According to the police affidavit, Jorgensen was placed on academic probation after his first semester, failing every class he had enrolled in. According to the terms of academic probation, Jorgensen must earn a 2.0 GPA or better this semester in order to enroll for the next year of classes. Jorgensen, however, had other plans.

The Dailyer reached out to the Lincoln Police Department for a comment on the city-wide manhunt. One officer, Logan Henderson, offered his opinion.

“Maybe this piece of shit should have thought of the consequences of his actions before he decided to cut class one too many times,” said Henderson as he cleaned and loaded his pistol.

“That bastard has already skipped enough class sessions to fail every single class he’s currently enrolled in,” a grim-faced Harvey Perlman told the Dailyer. “We gave him a second chance and he blew it, so now we will set the dogs on him.”

Perlman had also personally installed a GPS tracking ankle bracelet on Jorgensen, monitoring his location to ensure he spent at least 10 hours a week in a study room. Jorgensen cut the ankle bracelet off and fled campus, effectively beginning the manhunt.

“Do not approach the fugitive,” Perlman stated in a press release to university students. “He is considered to be unarmed but very lazy. Should you see him you are advised to remain indoors and call the police, then immediately get back to your studies.”