Assistant Grocery Manager Turns Off Soul

Dale Goonwitch doesn’t mind working as much as he used to. In fact, he minds very little at all as of late.

“My soul has been off for the past four months,” Goonwitch said. “I feel better. I mean, not better, but at least not worse.”

Goonwitch is an assistant manager at Bags of Stuff, a local grocery store. He started working there the summer after finishing college.

“I originally thought it would be a job that would tide me over until I found something better,” he said. “That was seven years ago.”

In his time there, Goonwitch has been promoted twice. Originally a bag boy, he was put in charge of deli inspection a year after starting. Three years later, he was given an assistant manager position after an a previous assistant manager, Gladys Wohl, died of natural causes at age 87.

“I was initially excited to get the job,” said Goonwitch, who majored in linguistics. “That faded pretty quickly, though.”

Four months ago, after a rough day of dealing with “asshat customers” and “asshat Brad [Koonz],” the store’s general manager, Goonwitch said he had enough.

“I went home, threw on Mythbusters on Netflix, grabbed a beer and turned off my soul,” he said. “I realized it would be cruel not to.”

Koonz hasn’t been as impressed with Goonwitch’s quality of work, however. He said Dale’s apathy has increased and that he no longer “cares about anything at all.”

“The other day, he went on the P.A. and just softly moaned for a few minutes,” Koonz said. “When I went to stop him, he was lying on the floor, eyes closed, with the phone just laying next to him as he moaned.”

It wasn’t an isolated incident. Koonz talked about how Goonwitch will no longer ask if customers want paper or plastic bags. When a local woman asked for paper, Goonwitch reportedly stared into her eyes for a moment and asked, “Does it, or anything, really matter?”

“That’s not that way we do things here at Bags of Stuff,” Koonz said. “I understand he has a degree and that this job may be a bit under him, but if he keeps that up, I’m going to put him on Bad Bag Alert level C. I bet that would wake him up.”

It wouldn’t, according to Goonwitch. At the time of this writing, he had reportedly been asking fellow employees to “price check his happiness.”

“My soul is going to be on sabbatical until I either get a new job or death finds me,” he said. “I hope it happens soon.

“I can’t feel my face anymore.”