ASUN President Kills Seven in Drone Strike


In a polarizing executive order that continues to send echoes through campus, recently elected ASUN President Eric Reznicek has killed seven UNL students in a series of unmanned drone attacks. The ASUN Presidency, typically a position used for minor fund allocation changes and resumé fillers, has been subjected to harsher investigation since the bombings that decimated the student population.

“I…I don’t even know what to say,” stuttered freshman Gillian Barnes. “I mean, Eric campaigned as part of the Engage Party, but I always thought that was just a cute buzzword for him to throw around in debates. The most radical change I thought he would attempt was some recycling programs, so you can imagine why his targeted assassinations have come as a bit of a surprise.”

Reznicek, who has defended the killings as part of an effort to keep campus sidewalks safe from rogue bicyclists, has reminded faculty that there’s no rules in the ASUN constitution that prevent the brutal executions of certain students.

“Besides,” scoffs Reznicek, “if students didn’t want to be subjected to my strike program they should have read the ballot section about how funds are used more carefully. ‘Killing coeds without due process’ funding, it was right there between the Jackie Gaughan center and the Daily Nebraskan.”

Some students support Reznicek’s unmanned campaign as a necessary precaution against the bikers that have terrorized campus over the years. Kyle McHale, a freshman business administration major, disagrees with claims that the drone assaults were outside ASUN’s scope of responsibilities.

“Yeah, I voted for Eric, and I’d vote for him twice as hard if I had known what he’d do for this War on Cycling. You can’t be a good ASUN President without stepping on some toes—and in Eric’s case, these toes are a metaphor for the mutilated, smoldering bodies of his graduating class.”

Despite the public controversy and bloodshed, 77% of UNL students had no opinions on the usage of their student fees on unmanned drone launches against the student body, simply stating, “wait, when was that election again?”