ASUN Responds to Critics with Porched Bag of Flaming Poop

In an effort to counteract recent controversy concerning exclusivity within the organization, members of the Association of Students of the University of Nebraska finally responded by hurling flaming bags of human feces onto their critics’ respective porches.

The critics, who were said to be numerous yet still apathetic about student government in general, stood by their initial claims against ASUN. Many of them lacked any incentive to retaliate, but insisted on adding compounding critiques of the organization.

“Most people don’t notice, but ASUN basically begat ASUN. It’s the same people every year. We need some fresh blood in there to shake up the system,” said a senior Marketing major, who asked to remain nameless. “I mean, I don’t want to do it, but somebody should.”

Senators inside the organization deny any specific involvement with the incident, citing ASUN’s recently-passed Freedom of Aerial Campus Expression clause, which allows students to “launch/fling any form of organic product so long as it pertains to the expression of political ideals and/or practices.”

Newly elected ASUN president and IMPACT candidate Eric Kamler stands by the new policy and has remained outspoken in its defense.

“Without the political and sociological tools to properly represent oneself, we are no better than small-minded children,” said Kamler.

“And if that means tossing a little flaming poop onto your competitor’s home turf so they have to stamp it out and get their shoes all turdy, then so be it.”