All posts by: Daniel Hauschild

donald trump

Journalistic Fairness – For every time Donald Trump tells a factual lie during the debate, we will hit Hillary Clinton in the shoulder

In an effort to achieve political fairness in the continuing coverage of the approaching election, several media sources have announced that they will be starting trial runs of a new system to ensure journalistic integrity. Sources within several leading news corporations have released a statements elaborating on the new practices. “It’s very important that we […] Read more

CNN uses high-tech 3D model to explain concept of good journalism

In an effort to further embrace superfluous technological fluff, CNN recently unveiled its new “360 Journalism Now” holographic imagery to demonstrate the hypothetical concept of what is commonly known as good journalism. Standing in front of the large holographic stage, a torpid and almost lifeless Wolf Blitzer demonstrated the simulation as it began. “We have […] Read more


Area man cleared of charges due to condition known as “being a complete moron”

It was announced Saturday that all pending criminal charges against local 22-year-old Kevin Schaefer, of Beatrice, would be dropped following a compelling defense. The jury found Schaefer innocent of all charges after overwhelming evidence and witness testimony concluded that Schaefer is, in fact, one of the stupidest people on the planet. “Honestly, it wasn’t an […] Read more

NRA promotes “Bring your child’s gun to work” day

It’s no secret that the proliferation of firearms into all aspects of American life is one of the National Rifle Association’s goals. Amidst growing concerns that the accessibility of military-grade weaponry is contributing to increasingly frequent rate of mass shootings, NRA leadership has voiced plans to steer their organization towards a more family-friendly message. “It’s […] Read more