The Alabama Crimson Tide, fresh off their successful defeat of the Notre Dame Fighting Te’os in the recent BCS National Championship, begrudgingly announced that, beginning in August of this year, they will found a University. Head coach Nick Saban explained. “For years, the NCAA has been on our ass. ‘Stop oversigning. Make kids go to […] Read more
Citing the “need to protect its sacred shores from the increasing Zionist threat,” Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pledged to launch the newly-retooled Iranian naval fleet, “just as soon as the wind picks up a bit.” “The threats against our sovereignty are many and varied,” said Ahmadinejad, whose 2012 re-election was highly contested. “Therefore it is […] Read more
Smokey Bear, longtime mascot for the United States Forest Service, came under fire this weekend for advocating that children start using chewing tobacco. His new slogan, “Only Snuff Can Prevent Forest Fires,” is beginning to fill billboards, TV commercials, and magazine advertisements across the country. The new campaign, though promoting the same goal of preventing […] Read more
Another election day has arrived, and citizens from sea to shining sea are eager to head to their local polling station and cast their ballot for a variety of elections. As they do every four years, however, citizens first stopped and consulted the nation’s wizened old men. Shortly after sunrise, the old men gathered their […] Read more
Following what was described as “a wild, swingin’ time” with women who had “honkey tonk badonkadonks,” every country singer has entered alcohol, drug, and sex rehabilitation. The evening began when every country singer consumed a low-quality beer with friends of the same gender and social class, except for the one outsider “from the big city,” […] Read more
Following the trend of introducing new characters to fit modern trends, the creators of Sesame Street have added a character with anti-Jewish sentiments to the show. Current show-runner Susan Simmons explained the changes to massed journalists, fans, and the Anti-Defamation league. Stating, “this is just how it’s going to be,” she spoke at length about […] Read more
A common saying is that “there’s a first time for everything.” However, there is a darker way of putting this, one that first-time arsonist Dylan Baumann feared would become his reality: “you never get a second chance at a first impression.” “It’s always been a dream of mine to start my career off with a […] Read more
For more than 35 years, the tiny DC area bar Whiskey Corner has served members of White House staff as a discreet place they can go to simply be themselves. At least, this used to be the case. The bar’s owner, Paul Foster, says that before four years ago, he was never once visited by […] Read more
Nebraska head football coach Bo Pelini is not known as a superstitious man. Husker fans could be forgiven for assuming that he does not consider any outside factors when judging football success. However, those fans have never talked to Pelini about his lucky Louisiana State University boxer shorts. A visibly distraught Pelini, who was previously […] Read more
All people, places, and things in Western Nebraska appear to be unreachable, according to reports from across the country. Phone lines appear to be empty, internet usage has flatlined, and lights appear to have gone out in all areas leading to the Omaha and Lincoln metro areas. “They appear to have completely…. vanished,” said notably […] Read more
