Local barista Danny Shannon was just living his life on Wednesday, enjoying a listen of Jack White’s “Blunderbuss” on vinyl and surveying the flies swarming around the coffee shop trash can, when his entire day was fucked up when a customer came in to order.
“Who even orders a latte,” Shannon asked. “This is a place for serious coffee drinkers only. Each bean is individually roasted, loved and prayed over as it goes through the grinder. It is then poured into a mug specifically engineered to hold this special roast.”
According to reports, the customer went as far as to ruin Shannon’s perfectly good espresso with skim milk.
“What kind of monster are you? It’s basically like adding water to this fine espresso, but without the dignity of calling it an Americano.” Shannon said. “Skim milk is for people who hate themselves. Anyone who drinks skim milk is truly unworthy of this fine coffee. Skim scum, we call them in the industry.”
Shannon refused to poorly attempt a tulip design on top of the latte.
“What does this look like, Dunkin’ Donuts? Our lattes are made for flavor, not for looks,” Shannon added. “Anyone who draws latte art is just trying to distract you from the authentic flavor of our beans. If you can’t taste the Ethiopian sunshine in which they were ripened, you aren’t living.”
Shannon has better things to do than draw pretty leaves or shitty hearts; those flies aren’t going to watch themselves. He also cited beans to roast, coffee to stir and tables to wipe down as reasons that he lacks the time for this shit.
The sun will set and tomorrow will come, but Shannon will never regain the time he spent making your stupid, frou-frou latte.