Widely followed sports and pop culture blog Barstool Sports has been publishing stories consistently despite the suspension of sports from the high school to professional level. A precaution taken as COVID-19 spreads, this cancellation has forced the company to think outside the box for their social media presence. Barstool sports has shared quarantine hacks, quarantine fails, and enough Tik Toks to make even a clock want to kill itself.
Some employees of the company that had previously covered sports playing them have brainstormed a temporary feature on another aspect of the athlete’s lives: their shits. Right in the name, Barstool Sports is now interested in the stats behind the poops of your favorite athletes, such as Tom Brady, Serena Williams, LeBron James, Cristiano Ronaldo, and even UNL athletes. Scott Frost has commented on the (fecal) matter, saying that, “I would gladly participate in a retired athlete league. I’ll win that championship too, and then that will buy me another 35 years of praise from Nebraska fans.”
As for details, the athletes will be asked to livestream their trips to the bathroom as well as record the results. Timing, size, color, and texture will be evaluated. Experts at Barstool Sports will evaluate the athlete’s performance and rank the individuals in their respective categories of sport and gender. Not to mention, betting will no longer be frowned upon, but welcomed. Fans of the athletes and of Barstool Sports are encouraged to fill in a bracket, trademarked as “May Madness, Number 2.” Fantasy Feces ™ teams are even forming with quarantined people around the world excited to invade the privacy of athletes in the comfort of their own homes.
Some fans are anticipating Barstool Sports’ new installment to be even better than the content posted prior to the takeover of coronavirus. According to an executive of the company, Matt Hooper, “We may never go back after this. Who knew people would fall for this crap? HAHAHA!” A statement released yesterday by Hooper and his team revealed a slight name change: Bar Stool Sports. Hooper said during the Zoom press conference, “The other name just felt constipated.”
