Let’s face it. It’s hard out here for a bed bug.

The DailyER understands this first hand after speaking with Husker bed bug Neil. Getting past the fact that bed bugs are parasites that do nothing but bite people and live in their own excrement was a mandatory task for this interview. After strenuous effort, we were able to find out what it’s like being a student hated and mercilessly sought after by its own school with chemical weapons.

Neil is an accounting major here living in the comforts of a futon in Smith Hall with his unknowing roommate. We first met Neil after mistakenly taking a nap behind U-Stop on a wet mattress and consequently being bitten by him. Not long after speaking with the lil’ guy, we found out not only how soft-spoken he was, but how inconvenient his life is.

“Finding convenience and ease in a typical day of mine is no easy task,” Neil told the DailyER. “Work is bad enough biting people and working in unsanitary conditions all day. But having the workplace function as a bed and a couch? Game over, pal.”

Neil is a resident here on campus living at HSS. He shares the room with a single roommate Brady Jackson, who has no idea of Neil’s existence. Because of Jackson’s lack of sanitary futon cushions, Neil is able to thrive in the cheeto crumbs, mystery liquids and personal feces he calls home.

Later we were told by Neil that he also shares the futon with his entire extended family and all of their excrement included.

“Days at work get pretty tense around here,”  Neil told us with a warm smile on his gross parasitical face.  “But switching into the couch-position lets us all kick back, and it keeps everyone happy,”

As usual, according to the student bed bug, Neil will be hosting another one of his exclusive “banger” parties in the futon.

“Once the couch shows up, we parasites get outasite!”