While Donald Trump stole early headlines as the nonpolitican rising GOP star, Dr. Ben Carson has become an unassuming challenger to Trump’s title, rising over the early primary cycle to second place nationally. Many wonder how the political novice has managed to win over the country, but to Carson there’s no secret to his success: it’s simple science.
“After retiring from Johns Hopkins I soon grew bored of the limits my empathy and life experiences afforded me,” Carson said. “How could any 30-year veteran of brain surgery hope to excel politically? It was then that I realized the key was inside my noggin all along.”
Carson revealed that he began with simple neural tinkering, but soon advanced to full-blown self hemisphere separation. Operating with only a shaving mirror and a Swiss Army knife, Carson has been able to radically alter his own brain chemistry and leave only the most salient portions for early voters.
“The impoverished Detroit childhood? Yeah that stays, they really seem to like it. Makes me a ‘real black’ candidate. But those things I apparently said about gun control and fetal tissue research before the election cycle? You know that’s gray matter’s getting washed down the sink.”
Some worry that Carson could face a similar critique that Mitt Romney faced in 2012, blatantly shifting his political beliefs and backstory to make naked appeals to a core audience. Many GOP voters disagree with this assessment.
“Sure Mitt changed his views on issues, but you could always tell he remembered supporting health care expansion or gun control,” said Des Moines voter Jefferson Huxley. “When I look in Dr. Carson’s eyes, I see a man who cares so deeply about being accepted by a primary audience that he’s willing to cut the empathy out of his cranium. This is truly a man after Reagan’s heart.”
Carson assured crowds that they should not be alarmed if they notice minor brain case leakage during an onstage performance as this is to be expected after any major invasive surgery.
“As the old expression goes, pain is weakness leaving the body. Of course, I don’t know how much this hurts since the brain doesn’t have pain receptors but I assume it’d be excruciating. If that adage holds true, I will be 100% limitless by Iowa.”
