Biden Advises White House Guests Not to Touch that Cucumber

In what White House tour guides are describing as an “increasingly common occurrence,” last week Vice President Joe Biden could be seen casually conversing with tourists, advising them what and what not to touch during their visit.

“I was just taking out the garbage here, and I noticed y’all were poking around,” said the Vice President, who indeed had a black bag in one hand and a 40oz in the other. “I just wanted to make sure that you don’t touch that cucumber. Me and the wife were, ah, using it for something. And then me and [House of Representatives Minority Leader] Nancy [Pelosi] put it through, um, its paces. Also the dog was playing fetch with it.”

Biden, between occasional sips from his bottle, proceeded to tell the bewildered passersby about various things in the room they probably also shouldn’t touch.

“Now, I’m almost sure we washed them when we were done. Even still, those candlesticks probably shouldn’t be out here in public. Don’t put them near your mouth for sure. I would also advise avoiding touching your bare skin to the carpet over there. Let me tell you: it sure was worth it, but the rash afterwards is hard to get rid of.”

As if to emphasize his point, the Vice President paused to scratch his backside before wishing the tourists a pleasant day.

At press time, Biden had successfully disposed of his garbage, and the particular cucumber in question had been chopped up to serve in salad for First Lady Michelle Obama’s healthy lunch programs.