Despite being granted the two week notice he had asked for, United States Vice President Joe Biden failed his state-mandated drug test for the third time in as many months.
The Vice President, whose previous crimes have included petty theft, strong arm robbery, public indecency and soliciting prostitution, was ordered by a state judge to receive a drug test every 30 days after his release from a halfway house in 2007. Since that time, he has failed the test on seven separate occasions, though never before with this frequency.
Biden was ticketed and released into the custody of his wife, who issued a terse statement to the press.
“Joe is deeply sorry for his actions,” said Jill Biden. “He will speak for himself soon enough, but until that time know that this isn’t appropriate behavior for anyone, including the vice president.”
Representatives from the State of Delaware Justice Department, who first arrested Biden when he was a United States Senator, declined comment. Instead, a visibly agitated intern was only heard to say, “It’s just Joe being Joe. He is the worst part of this job.”
Several hours later, a visibly inebriated Biden emerged from his house wearing tattered jeans and a stained white undershirt, holding a bottle in a paper bag. After shouting incomprehensibly for several seconds, Biden paused and calmly asked, “Why’s this country becoming a fascist police state?” and passed out on the lawn.