Yesterday, former Nebraska Cornhuskers football coach Bo Pelini was paid approximately $1,391.79 while moving his bowels in a peristaltic fashion following a hearty midday meal, which, according to your parents, is roughly the same amount they pay every month for the privilege of living out their remaining years in a sturdy, heated middle-class domicile.
“It’s really quite remarkable,” your father announced in a statement released this morning. “I spend 60 hours a week welding galvanized sheet metal with a torch hot enough to melt flesh like butter, inhaling god knows what kinds of fumes in the process, just so I can relax in a modest, unpretentious dwelling. Just imagine how much Coach Pelini earns while he’s waiting for his shower water to heat up in the morning. Probably enough to take your dear mother out for a lovely brunch at Wheatfield’s after presenting her with a dozen roses and a nice gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond.”
Under the terms of his multi-million dollar buyout with the University of Nebraska, Pelini is set to earn a monthly payment of $128,009 until February 28, 2019 simply for no longer telling young college athletes in Nebraska exactly how to run around on a large grass rectangle. According to Fritz Collingsworth, The DailyER’s resident accountant, Bo Pelini makes enough money for not doing his former job to pay off all of your accumulated student loans, plus interest and textbooks, in just under two weeks.
“Yes, it’s true, I earn well over half the monthly salary of your average twentysomething college graduate while squeezing out a few greasy stink-torpedos after a visit to Carl’s Jr,” Pelini reported from the porcelain throne of his second-floor bathroom. “And it feels great. I could pay for a month’s worth of medications and physical therapy for some poor Marine who had his legs blown off in Kandahar in the time it takes me to walk downstairs, brew a cup of coffee and reset my wireless router. All because everyone you know is obsessed with watching kids run around with numbers on their backs every Saturday in the fall. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to finish this chapter of my Malcolm Gladwell book, mmmkay? Please be a dear and turn the ventilation fan back on when you leave.”