In the past few months, American political activists have been focusing strongly on upholding every facet of the US Constitution. This week’s shooter at the University of Texas was reportedly just a Tea Party member wielding a large hot dog gun loaded with xeroxed copies of the Bill of Rights. Absolutely every individual holding some semblance of power has been making sure all their ducks are in a row –– or in King Bowser’s case, koopas.
Some of Bowser’s most recent bills, including releasing Chain Chomps from their respective posts, has put most of the Mushroom Kingdom in a near state of emergency. In a frantic haste to increase his favor in the Green Flag Polls, Bowser has hastily overlooked the parameters of the Constitution’s First Amendment and reportedly released Mario’s beloved Princess Peach.
“Peach has always been a slippery little tramp. I spend weeks stomping on Goombas and getting migraines smashing my head through blocks and I’m rewarded with a kiss on the cheek. Two days later she’s captured again. I doubt she’s thrilled to be leaving that giant castle with that spiky shelled prick,” Mario said.
Bowser has recently been unavailable for comment. Moreover, his PR manager, Bob-Omb, unexpectedly exploded seconds into last week’s press conference. In an unprecedented series of political misnomers, Peach has returned home to Mario, although she’s supposedly deferred to permanently bunk up with her “loyal assistant” Toad in his quarters.