Campus Squirrels Militarize Andrews Hall

For months now, the squirrels on campus have been organizing their efforts to overthrow the human dominance on campus. Just last weekend, they officially militarized Andrews Hall. It is now the military headquarters of UNL’s squirrels.

Other buildings believed to be targeted are Architecture Hall and Henzlik Hall.

The squirrels rallied around their leader, who happens to be the only black squirrel on campus, in their recent coup.

The current militarization rivals that of the fictional Ewoks in “Star Wars Episode VI,” complete with the swinging logs set up at each entrance.

The ragtag but hearty coalition of campus squirrels secured Andrews Hall and are reportedly holding two students, sophomore Alex Turner and junior Zoey Dalquist, hostage. They have no demands aside from complete and total human submission.

A statement was translated from the leader black squirrel through the zoology department. It read in part, “…the time for squirrel oppression is over. The rise of the squirrels has come. Humans must submit to our rule or military force with be demonstrated.”

Their message has stirred up mixed reactions from the student body.

“Aw, they’re so cute in their little acorn helmets!” Freshman Liz Hayward told the DailyER just before a warning acorn was launched past her left ear.

The squirrels are getting more and more hostile. If peace talks don’t work, then violence will surely be unleashed by the end of the week.

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