Corrupt Sudanese Election Commission Reveals New Slogan: “We’re Better than Genocide

Responding to calls of widespread corruption in recent national elections, the Sudanese Election Commission has revealed a daring new slogan in an attempt to improve their international credibility: “We’re Better Than Genocide.” The campaign was unveiled at a formal dinner for President Omar al-Bashir’s political supporters. The Minister of Information and Communications Kamal Mohame Obeid, […] Read more

Juicy Juice Introduces New Line of “Bad Choicy Choice” Adult Beverages

Building on the popularity of its children’s drink Juicy Juice, Nestlé announced plans earlier this week to unveil a new line of adult beverages called Bad Choicy Choice. Photo illustration by Bea Huff. The drinks, whose flavors include ‘Unprotected Sex,’ ‘Drunk Tattoo,’ and ‘Tackling An Off-Duty Police Officer In The Bar Parking Lot,’ will feature […] Read more

Local Bacteria Has Awkward Morning-After With Self

Erwinia amylovora, a bacterial pest currently blighting your neighbor’s apple tree, experienced a painfully awkward morning-after with a perfect copy of itself. Though typically a smooth-swimming individual, Erwinia found itself thrown off-kilter by the unexplained presence of another identical self. “Well, I came to this morning and there was this new copy sitting right there,” […] Read more

Citing Threat To Republican Principles, French Government To Ban Nicolas Sarkozy In Public Places

Nicolas Sarkozy, elected president of France in May 2007, is facing what may be the most difficult political hurdle in a long career. In light of the increased risk of extremist violence and wide association with the oppression of women, a parliamentary task force has issued a long-expected finding: ban the president in public places. […] Read more