Following a string of recent emotional outbursts and vulgar displays of self-entitlement, area man Richard Parsons has officially canceled Christmas for his whiney, good-for-nothing disappointments of children. “I have officially called a halt to any further celebration of Christmas, as it is apparent that my asshole children are incapable of going one goddamn day without […] Read more
So UNL’s Chancellor of Twitter, Harvey Perlman, had to move the goalposts on his target date for UNL to reach 30,000 students last week. Instead of reaching this goal by 2017, Perlman pushed that date back to 2020. Perlman wants a “sustainable” way to get to 30,000 students, and because Perlman seems a bit confused […] Read more
Students are registering for classes for the Spring Semester, and that means junior Julie Carson is pissed off again about the flood of inquiring Facebook posts. “You would have to be an absolute moron to go on to a website and ask people what classes you should take,” the actuarial science major said. “UNL is […] Read more
As of Monday evening, reports began circulating that campus freshman Gracie McPherson has chosen to wait until the second half of the year to experiment with sexual activity involving her anus. “I’m still getting acclimated to the college environment,” McPherson stated at press time. “What with balancing school, work and other extracurricular activities, I just […] Read more
There was a quick slide of a key card, the turn of a handle, and a short gasp before the door was slammed shut. “Well, it finally happened,” says freshman Zach Hennery with a sigh. “I finally saw my roommate’s dick.” Hennery, a first year student living on Smith 3, describes his relationship with roommate […] Read more
According to a recent study conducted by Professor Michael Yoats, not enough people give Michael Yoats the respect Michael Yoats and his doctorate—an eight year endeavor—fucking deserve. The frustrated PhD. holder, who is a tenured teacher in the University’s physics department, claims he isn’t so much offended by discourteous students as he is by the […] Read more
After an 11 year run in the Nebraska Student Union, Sbarro is likely finally set to close its cage for good. But one student is not ready to accept the fate of his favorite restaurant. “It’s not fair!” exclaims Ben Benson, a junior, and unsurprisingly the only person The DailyER could find that’s actually upset […] Read more
“Oh man, so this is what this classroom looks like. I’ve never been here before. Cool looking windows.” And with those glorious words, 5th year senior Mitch Palmer entered the Oldfather-based classroom of his Math 240 class, looked casually around the room at his bemused classmates, and sat. Palmer, who will theoretically be graduating in […] Read more
After 28 years of middling service and disgruntled employees, former video rental giant Blockbuster has been brought to its knees, and local dad/VHS aficionado Steve Milton has never been happier. Renting a copy of Basic Instinct 2 after hearing a co-worker mention a scene where Sharon Stone exerts her feminine charms, Milton grabbed a copy […] Read more
The Village dorm resident Dillon Alexander confirmed reports early Tuesday morning that his roommate Jeff Holcomb would in fact be going home again this weekend. The news comes after six consecutive weekends in which Holcomb traveled back to his hometown of Nebraska City until the following Monday. “It’s become a habit of his,” Alexander stated. […] Read more
