With the Pinnacle Bank Arena’s unveiling merely months away, worries have fallen on Coach Tim Miles. Will next year’s team be capable of competing in Big Ten play, or more importantly, paying the electric bill? Ladies and gentlemen, fret no more; Nebraska Basketball has a new team member. Jane Svobota, once infamously known as “Blue […] Read more
Amidst a collection of red solo cups and beer cans left behind from a “serious rager,” Zach Nigel and Matt Stiller, members of a UNL fraternity, made a shocking discovery. Stiller told us the story of the discovery. “We were just hanging out and fresh meat Nigel goes, ‘Tell me that doesn’t look like His […] Read more
At a local coffee shop, student Calvin Shaw was seen reading Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road” and looking, as other patrons described him, “pretty deep.” Shaw reportedly spends his time here alternating every few minutes between reading intently and “just staring off into space,” his mind filled with ostensibly insightful thoughts and observations on the […] Read more
James Chesterfield is a man of modest height with a pleasant demeanor. Unfortunately, for the past two and a half years, neither of those traits has led him to find employment. Things might soon be changing, though, as Chesterfield recently reported that his job interview at Hy-Vee “went well.” “It’s not the greatest paying job, […] Read more
Splattered with the life matter of thousands of virgins, UNL student Kevin Ballock is having trouble focusing in his contemporary math course. “It’s in my eyes,” Ballock, a senior sociology major, said. “My eyes are burning kind of badly.” Ballock is among thousands of students questioning UNL’s decision to remain open this past Monday despite […] Read more
Students and acquaintances Jennifer Laus and Donald Gibbs are engaged in a palpable level of sexual tension, according to Gibbs. Gibbs and Laus met in Biology 101 during their freshmen year and have since gone from a “simple friendship” to “fostering a sexual tension as real as any sitcom ‘will they, won’t they’ couple,” claims […] Read more
Local man Richard Ducey, age 36, is a great American citizen. He votes, abides by the law, and even recycles when it’s convenient. Ducey believes in the United States Constitution wholeheartedly and will go to great lengths to protect the fundamental rights outlined in its pages. Some say, however, that Richard Ducey is taking the […] Read more
Siblings Johnny and Haley Smith are reporting today that after two long years, their daddy still has not returned from his trip to heaven. After reportedly leaving in an “underground spaceship,” Haley and Johnny’s daddy has yet to make any contact with them — they are unable to confirm any possible return date. The pair […] Read more
Information surfaced this weekend that members of the parking enforcement agencies of Lincoln, both campus- and city-wide “Park & Go,” are reportedly of demonic origin. The Satanic personnel, who appear at what has been found to be the statistically worst possible times, look like average humans. However, according to multiple youth sources, these staffers are […] Read more
In a rare crowd-pleasing announcement, Governor Dave Heineman stated his plans to freeze tuition at all Nebraska state colleges and universities on Friday. When asked how he plans to pay for the $50 million proposal, Heineman stated that he was “pretty sure” the revenue could be raised by cutting taxes. “Everyone knows that when you […] Read more
