Following a string of recent emotional outbursts and vulgar displays of self-entitlement, area man Richard Parsons has officially canceled Christmas for his whiney, good-for-nothing disappointments of children.
“I have officially called a halt to any further celebration of Christmas, as it is apparent that my asshole children are incapable of going one goddamn day without bitching about their shitty little lives,” Parsons told the DailyER.
He proceeded to empty a gallon of gasoline on the hand-me-down aluminum Christmas tree that sat in his living room for all but a few hours until the executive decision to cancel Christmas was made.
“Some families sing Christmas carols around the neighborhood, other families make a whole day of decorating the tree. But in my family, we celebrate the holidays by putting up Christmas lights in the shape of a discharging erection right on the front of the house so every neighbor gets to know just how trashy we are. Merry fucking Christmas!”
Parsons then dropped a lighted match on the gasoline soaked tree, immediately following up by stripping down, throwing his clothes in the growing flame, and rocking back and forth in the fetal position while faintly mumbling “We wish you a merry Christmas” as tears poured out of his eyes.