City officials to consume illegally-parked cars

In an effort to reduce overcrowding in Lincoln’s growing metropolitan area, city officials recently announced that local government employees would begin consuming all illegally-parked vehicles on December 1 as per a new ordinance.

“There are far too many cars downtown, even the legally-parked ones bother me,” said city council spokesperson Lisa Stout. “We think it’s best if all the cars parked a little too far off the curb or at a weird angle are just fed to the hard-working employees of this city”.

In order to adjust to the dietary change, workers could be seen gnawing on voltage regulators and boiling tire treads.

“American brands taste like crap,” said city worker and car connoisseur Clyde Bertrand after burping up a Nebraska license plate. “If you want them choice parts, Japanese and German brands are your best bet. You can taste the efficiency.”

Some Lincolnites are concerned that the city’s meter maids have begun feasting on their cars prematurely, leading to questions about lack of oversight. One citizen is Imani Sparks, a mattress consultant who noticed that his side mirror was missing.

“I was literally gone for seven minutes,” he iterated. “I shouldn’t have to worry about my personal property being eaten because I forgot to throw a quarter in the meter.”

Other residents have taken to flavoring their cars with obscene combinations of various sauces and substances to counteract the feasting. Unlicensed candle dealer Sally San Marcos claims to have the ideal combination to keep your savory sedan from becoming someone’s lunch.

“Throw some soy sauce, laundry detergent, chamomile, palm oil, repressed emotions, apple cider vinegar and untreated water together in a bowl,” she elaborated. “Mix it all up, sprinkle some dijon mustard on for good luck, and voila! Keeps the government off your car like a lunatic off their rocker.”