Class clown lures children into sewer

Getting laughs in class was all in an easy day’s work for fifth-year senior Benjamin Penny, resident wise-ass of ECON101. But it was what he did in his free time that made his classmates weary.

“I don’t see what the big problem is here,” Penny said. “I like being goofy, I like hanging out in the sewers, and I like eating children.”

Some days Penny would walk into class with blood still smeared on his vibrant outfit, with bits of kids still in his teeth. But, above all, the smell of sewage radiated off him like the acting in an early 90s ABC special.

“Oh, it was gaudy as fuck,” fellow classmate Trisha Lang said. “Usually, we give Ben a break when it comes to what he does to kids because he’s funny, but we simply cannot take that smell. Seriously, take a shower.”

It was particularly bad one morning after a storm blew through, as, of course, Penny was in the sewers again, devouring yet another child.

“Okay, hear me out,” Penny said. “The kid should NOT have been outside during the storm. His mortality rate was already floating through the roof before I got my paws on him. Besides, who talks to sewer people? But yeah, I should’ve definitely showered afterward. That was indecent of me.”

Penny walked into class sporting a yellow rain jacket four sizes too small with an arm missing, smelling like an absolute nightmare.

“Holy God, that kid didn’t know how lucky he was,” Lang said. “At least he was immediately put out of the misery of smelling Penny. I mean yeah, he got his arm bitten off and everything, but that’s nothing. Especially when everyone else here has to deal with his poo smell for the next 11 weeks.”