- last updated 11/13/2015
- Have a submission? Email it and your name to firstname.lastname@example.org
Me: Student, 20, brown hair, carrying 2 books in Love Library.
You: Male, 20s, blonde, hoverboard.
I saw you ride your hoverboard down the stairs into the lobby. As you zoomed around the corner, I knew it was already too late– for your body and for my heart. With every crash as you fell, I could feel my heart beat more strongly. Every scream became a beautiful love song that only I can hear. When the ambulances took you away, I cried– not because I was afraid of all the blood, but because I feared I would never see you again. Be mine?
I yelled at you on the street the other day. You were wearing that shirt, you know, the V-neck? I couldn’t even control myself, I just had to yell and let you know that you have a “NICE SET OF KNOCKERS!” out of my pick-up. Since my usual hollerin’ doesn’t always seem to work with the ladies, I was hoping that this ad in a paper as respectable as The DailyER might. If you want a man that’ll yell how nice you’re lookin’ every time you see me, and will also yell at every other woman in the area, let me know!
Someone to kiss after the Huskers score a winning touchdown. Maybe it was the runza breath, but the guy I kissed Saturday looked upset.
I can barely care for myself; I don’t think I can care for a cat, like, on a day-to-day basis. But I still have room in my heart for some sort of affection. Maybe like a friend with a pet? I’m afraid if I just keep petting the alley cat outside my house I’ll get fleas.
I have a lot of money.
Looking for someone to take my trash cans to the curb and kiss my plump cheeks with a pair of silky smooth, slightly moist lips
Me: Student. Backpack. Jeans.
You: Probably older, glasses, white hair, suit, little red “N” lapel pin. I saw you in Canfield, in what was probably your office. I think it said “Chancellor” on the door. Anyway, I think you’re a real cutie. Lunch sometime? We can get the union’s finest cuisine: Subway Pizza Express.
ISO a woman for pudgy, inflatable but loveable man. Must love the Huskers, being at the center of attention at football games and other UNL events and high-fives. Dancing-on-your-head ability a plus. Must be okay with spending plenty of time with my buddy, Herbie. Are you interested? Come give me a hug at the next game!
You: Cute brunette with a Veronica Mars tattoo on your cheek with friend at Chick-fil-A scarfing down six chicken sandwiches at once.
Me: Too shy to say hello. If you think this is you, please come over to my house and watch my dogs for a couple days while I go to the National BBQ Convention in KC next weekend
Looking for committed, long-lasting relationship or friendship with literally anyone willing to talk to me. Seriously, anyone at all. I don’t have anything going on any night this week. I’ll buy. I’m into pretty much everything, so you pick what we do! Please.
A gosh-darn beer after that Michigan State win! Just joshing you, Husker Nation. It’s me, Coach Riley! Hope you’re all having a wonderful week, scholars!
HELP I’M COVERED IN BEEEEEEEEES