In an effort to further embrace superfluous technological fluff, CNN recently unveiled its new “360 Journalism Now” holographic imagery to demonstrate the hypothetical concept of what is commonly known as good journalism.
Standing in front of the large holographic stage, a torpid and almost lifeless Wolf Blitzer demonstrated the simulation as it began.
“We have here a journalist conducting an interview with a political expert. Now, we can see a couple things here thanks to the holographic model from the start,” Blitzer said. “This particular journalist appears to have some notes in her hand, and it looks like she’s written down some important talking points to emphasize in addition to the teleprompter. This is interesting, as it looks like she’s not only actively listening to the interview, but she’s responding with relevant questions.”
Blitzer continued to drone with total lack of enthusiasm as the highly realistic, multi-million dollar virtual interview began to intensify.
“It looks like the political expert is attempting to avoid a question with some generalized comments that aren’t related to the subject at hand,” he continued. “Notice how our simulated journalist immediately catches this and presses the issue, repeating the question while calling attention to the attempted dodge. We here at CNN usually try to avoid this type of conflict by ignoring any and all deviation from the interview during our broadcasts, but, again, this is a simulation.”
While Blitzer continued to compound on the various merits of CNN’s subpar reporting, the hologram behind him began to flicker and short out. A particularly violent series of static interruptions terminated the scenario before CNN technicians re-established the connection.
However, the new holograms appeared bewildered and confused, abandoning the simulated interview. While one holographic figure wandered aimlessly about the studio, weeping softly, the second began to actively attempt to murder Don Lemon as an oblivious Wolf Blitzer continued with scheduled programing.
“Up next: has anyone found that missing airplane? Our experts will show us how paper can be used to recreate the tragic situation.”