Sucking petulantly at a spoonful of greasy noodles from an MRE package purchased a decade ago in apprehensive expectation of worldwide economic collapse, local conspiracy theorist Eugene Dawson, 27, pictured, was emotionally devastated to learn this past Wednesday that the United States government has absolutely no interest in keeping tabs on him and his activities.
“I spent all of last summer wrapping up my Dad’s house in camouflage netting that scrambles radar detection, satellite monitoring and thermal imaging,” Dawson lamented bitterly while clicking through InfoWars.com for the third time in an hour. “What a waste of time. And all those ominous-looking plumbing supply vans parked outside my house weren’t keeping me under surveillance after all. Turns out they were actually full of plumbing supplies.”
Janice Weber, Dawson’s neighbor, said that his eccentric behavior is nothing new.
“Yeah, he’s been really weird ever since his online girlfriend dumped him back in 2006. I knocked on his door last summer and it took two hours to convince him that I wasn’t there to put a bag over his head and take him to a CIA black site prison.”
After his startling, soul-shaking discoveries about the “real truth” behind the 9/11 attacks and his heavily researched, spot-on analysis of the links between the Federal Reserve, Mexican drug cartels and Oprah Winfrey, Dawson was certain that his keen intellect and hyperalert awareness of who really runs things on our planet would have put him on the government’s watch list as a potential threat to all of its secretive activities.
NSA Spokesman Grant Hodges confirmed that no one in any position of power is even remotely concerned with the habits and doings of the clinically paranoid, Alex-Jones-listening 27-year-old virgin.
“Eugene Dawson, that pasty neckbeard over on Maple Street with all the My Little Pony merchandise? Yeah, sure, we’ve got an entire freaking task force dedicated to that guy,” Hodges said, laughing. “When was the last time that noodlebrain actually left the house?”