– My girlfriend of three years just left me. How do I get over the feeling of crippling loneliness and move on with my life? – Shawn T, sophomore biology major
We all gone through heartbreak bud, if you lonely gimme a ring, we can go get drunk an dump some used motor oil down the sewer drain and holler at some honeys or something until the campus police come take us to detox. In detox you can cry on my shoulder as you angrily share the titty pics of her you still have stored on your phone. Just gotta get your mind off the old skank, and if she ever call up late some night remember you ain’t never too proud for a drunk hookup. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have jacked off three times today.
– I think I have an STD, should I see a doctor or wait until it clears up on its own? – Jenna M, junior elementary education major
We all come down with a bad case of crotch rot every now and then, here a little trick daddy taught me, whenever you thinkin you got something new growin down there just pour a little bleach on your junk and it usually go away on its own, send me a picture just in case.
– I want to come out of the closet to my father but I’m afraid he won’t accept my decision. What should I do? – Derek M, senior advertising major
Don’t worry Derek, being homosexual perfectly fine just don’t be a fag about it. To keep the old man from disowning you just get a real manly job like a firefighter or construction worker or something.
– I have feelings for my best friend, how do I let her know without jeopardizing our friendship? – Barry O, sophomore political science major
Keep your friends close and naked girls closer Barry. If you ain’t man enough to let her know you fancy her, let her know I am between girlfriends right now.
– I’m interested in this guy and really want to send him some nude snapchats, is it too early to do so? – Erin P, senior journalism major
Yes definitely send him some snapping chats of your naked boobies, but I think he changed his snappchat name last time I checked it was “notbenjamin69.”
– My girlfriend recently gained a little weight and I’m just not as attracted to her as I used to be. How do I suggest to her that she should go on a diet? – Joey S, junior theater major
Love her for who she is on the inside you shallow som’ bitch. Remember some days you fuck the hot girl some days you fuck her fat best friend that just life son. When I’m porkin a fatty I always tell myself that she ain’t got double chins she just got more smiles.
– I don’t like it when my boyfriend wears condoms, it doesn’t feel natural. How can we be safe and still have fun? – Kayla T, freshman business administration major
Always be safe no matter what Kayla. And quit your bitchin back in my day they made condoms out of asbestos and you never hear me complain about it, I was just happy to be breeding.
– My new girlfriend isn’t ready to try anything sexual yet. What should I do? – Ben W, senior agribusiness major
Journey of a thousand miles begin with a single hand job. Be patient and don’t pressure her into doing anything she ain’t ready for.
– My boyfriend just left me, should I try and rekindle things or move on with my life? – Rachel R, sophomore art major
If you love something let it go, if he come back put that bastard in a cage teach him a lesson.
– I’m not a naturally handsome or charming guy. Girls never give me the time of day. How do I make a girl fall for me? – Jason L, freshman economics major
There a young filly out there for everyone Jason, life ain’t about having the best hand of cards it’s about having the biggest pecker.
– The guy I like is an Iowa Hawkeyes fan, do you think things will work out between us? – Jennifer V, junior philosophy major
Normally I’d say do whatever make your giny wet but hell no you sick motherfucker get some fuckin help creep.
– I really need to masturbate to relieve stress but living in the dorms makes it really difficult. My roommate is always around and when he’s not all I can do is worry that he’ll walk in at any moment and catch me with my pants around my ankles. – Cooper M, freshman agronomy major
You got two options here bud, you be straightforward and tell him you’re gonna pank it or just man up and go for it, he know the risks of not knocking first. If you need some relief go to a strip club or something I don’t know but remember kid never wear gym shorts to the titty club damn.
If you have sex related questions that you would like Cousin Buck to answer, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org, and he will answer them in his next column.