Dead Birds And Fish Linked To Captain Planet’s Recent Drug Abuse

Recent reports that entire flocks of birds and schools of fish are dying of unnatural causes have finally been explained. A press release from Captain Planet’s representatives contains a confession outlining the hero’s recent drug and alcohol abuse. Mr. Planet apologized at length using several earth puns, and has promised to go straight into rehab.

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Above: Captain Planet causing trouble. Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss.

“I was just sharing the company of a few of the Planeteers. Next thing I know I’m doin’ lines of coke and pounding a beer bong while they looked on shouting, ‘GO PLANET!’ You know, with their powers combined, I can do some pretty cool stuff,” Planet explained.

In his statement, Planet admits to a number of catastrophic events spawning from intoxication from an array of illegal substances. “Well, there was Haiti and that big oil spill, to name a few. We tried to get him to prevent the levies breaking in New Orleans, but he was way too hung over,” said Wheeler, who wields the power of fire.

The remaining Planeteers have done their best to assure the public that Planet has helped the Earth far more than he has harmed it in the past few years. Fans of Planet plan to protest outside his rehabilitation center, fearing that his absence might cause even further harm to the environment.

Captain Planet had this to say to our readers, “Fear not, you can all do your part to save the planet! The power is yours. And stay clean.”