73-year-old Ira Baker sent fear down the spines of her fellow patrons at a local cafe on Tuesday when she exhibited one of the telltale signs of psychopathic behavior: reading the entire menu out loud to herself.
“It was shocking; horrifying really,” said eyewitness Jeanette Rosenberg. “I had only seen psychopaths in movies, I wasn’t aware that they even walked among us.”
Ms. Baker had been showing signs of psychopathy since May of last year, according to sources. Among the maniac’s behaviors were reports of conversations with small dogs, baking excessive amounts of food for her grandkids, telling hours-long stories from when she was your age, and mistaking a touch screen for a window.
Cafe patron and criminology major Stephen Dudley said that Baker’s behavior “raised several red flags,” and that her habit of calling everyone “deary” was “a clear indication that she is a danger to the public.”
“She fits the profile of a psychopath almost to a tee,” Dudley quietly elaborated as Baker began reading the “side items” section. “Today, it’s feeding breadcrumbs to ducks in the park and watching Hallmark for six hours. Tomorrow, she could unleash an unholy terror on humankind.”
Baker, however, was seemingly unaware that she displayed such symptoms, or that she was even being interviewed. She finished her menu reading and then proceeded to audibly describe the decorations in the cafe, noting how the building “has changed so much in the last 40 years.”
“My, I love coming here and seeing all the smiling faces,” the nutcase chimed as onlookers stared in wide-eyed fear. “I sure hope nobody can hear my thoughts; boy, they’d think I’m a loon!”