Epistemologists Discover Campus Crosswalks Possess No Actual Meaning

photo illustration by Mitch McCann

After 158 years of intense, widespread academic contrast, epistemologists have irrevocably agreed upon a single universal truth: crosswalks signs on UNL campus possess no meaning whatsoever.

Dr. Tania Fullam, a Professor of Epistemology and Meaning at Stanford University, has proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that traffic indicators are severed from all meaning, both explicit and implicit, once they arrive within three blocks of UNL’s City Campus.

“It’s a legitimately mindboggling phenomenon,” said Fullam. “For some reason, there is a complete disconnect between commonly recognizable, flashing symbols and information.”

“The only logical explanation is that symbolism is nullified when related to Nebraskan transportation,” the doctor wrote in her famed doctoral thesis, “Seriously, Why Do Students Keep Crossing the Fucking Road While I’m Trying to Drive?”

“If there were any other possible answer, we would’ve gladly accepted it,” added Dr. Fullam. “But that’s not what the facts suggest. It’s not as if students are morally atrophied past the point of not giving a shit about motorists. As we all know, the youth of Academia hold two things undeniably sacred. One is a stranger’s well-being — and the other is societal tradition.”

This stance was verified by local student, Cody Bohon, after he appealed one of the rare fines LPD administers for jaywalking.

“The fine absolute bullshit. I just walked across the road for two seconds,” claimed an apathetic Bohon. “But beyond even that, I wasn’t even given proper warning. Despite its common-place symbolic meaning, that bright, red hand could’ve meant absolutely anything.”