Every Country Singer Enters Rehab

Following what was described as “a wild, swingin’ time” with women who had “honkey tonk badonkadonks,” every country singer has entered alcohol, drug, and sex rehabilitation.

The evening began when every country singer consumed a low-quality beer with friends of the same gender and social class, except for the one outsider “from the big city,” most commonly New York. If the country singer was married, they were sent off with a loving kiss from their highly respected significant other. If unmarried, the country stars set off determined to have a “good n’ crazy” time, either for their own sake or to spite a cheating significant other.

Shortly afterward, each country singer entered a seemingly identical Chevrolet Truck despite feeling “just a bit tipsy.” This feeling, though they acknowledged it wass unwise given that they are driving, nonetheless gave them a sense of empowerment that it was “gonna be a good night,” according to sources.

Upon arriving at their destinations, most commonly a bar or tavern with a country or deep south theme, a package of red Solo cups appeared. After ordering a round of slightly-higher quality beer for everyone currently present, the country singers decided it was time for some ambiguously branded “whisky,” despite the universal acknowledgement that it is a poor decision. Having consumed their fair share, they decided it was time to put some country music on the jukebox, with deceased country singers Johnny Cash and Hank Williams being the most popular.

As the evening progressed on, the single country singers were likely to notice someone of the opposite gender with whom they shared mutual romantic interest, who was wearing a “cowboy hat and leather boots” to some apparent success. This attraction was likely to elevate as the evening progressed, culminating in a climactic moment of a shared kiss. Married country singers, when not actively attempting to seduce American Idol contestants, were always sure to keep their significant others and invariably perfect and happy children on the forefront of their minds.

Inevitably, a poor decision was made, whether it was to drive home whilst legally drunk or making some decision that, while seemingly innocent and mischievous, landed them in prison for the evening. After repenting and/or sobering up, they were released the following morning with quite a story to tell.

The country singers could all be seen entering rehab the next morning, following a dawn trip to church and the consumption of some red wine.