SPONSORED: Free Range Gummy Bears

The following is a paid advertisement for Gumbo Bumbo Gummy Bear-Os.

Are you sick and tired of CORPORATIONS making it hard for you to eat MURDERED ANIMALS? US TOO. That’s why we here at Gumbo Bumbo Gummy Bear-Os raise our food in perfectly humane OPEN ranges – BEFORE we kill them, that is!

Tyson keeps all of its animals in small cages where they walk in their poop and poop where they walk. GROSS! Here at Gumbo Bumbo Gummy Bear-Os, our bears don’t crap in cages, they crap in the woods! Screw Tyson, BUY GUMBO BUMBO!

Have you ever heard of a pig from Jimmy Dean say it enjoyed its experience of being MURDERED in COLD BLOOD?! We doubt it! We doubt that shit SO HARD! We bet they all HATED IT! We sure as hell would! That’s why Gumbo Bumbo Gummy Bear-Os put our gummy bears out of their misery like George did to Lennie in “Of Mice and Men.” Yeah, we’re deep as hell over here at Gumbo’s Bumbo’s Gummy Bear-Os.

Hey, next time you think about buying from these other food providers who beat and oppress their animals, just make sure you know it didn’t have to be that way. Just know, all you had to do was buy from Chumbo Bumbo, you bastards. We love our animals – we love them so much. You don’t even know how bad it feels when we have to put them down for you to enjoy them. It crushes us – it crushes us so hard. But we do it FOR YOU!

We don’t like to beg over here at Gumpo Lumpo but c’mon. We’re doing the right thing. Our gummy bears enjoy life (before taking it); we let them roam the fields (before killing them), and we let them live long prosperous lives as gummy bears (before abruptly ending them with these neat little bolt pistol things). We’re good people, better than the others, at least. That should count for something.

So buy from us! Buy your food from us! Buy it from Gumbo Bumbo Bear-Os! We’ll feed you, your friends and your family with minimal suffering from those which you are eating! BUY GUMBO!

1-800-YOU-WONT, you little bitch! I bet you like watching animals suffer! If you didn’t, you’d buy GUMBO BUMBO GUMMY BEAR-Os, but YOU WON’T!