For minimum wage workers across the country, President Obama’s recent executive order to increase the federal minimum wage to $10.10 was seen as the first step towards a national minimum wage increase. This is either a move towards bolstering the lower class or a threat to youth employment rates but as to be expected, very few federal employees are complaining about this change, Patrick O’Henry being the vocal exception. Patrick, a postal office janitor for 30 years and disgruntled postal office janitor for 29 years recently protested this change, and refused to make his quality of work reflect these new changes. Somehow still paid 7.25 for his third decade of work at the US Post Office, Patrick refuses to let a $2.85 pay increase improve his quality of work.

“I ‘forget’ to clean three rooms a day at $7.25 and I don’t know what the president expects because I’m just gonna keep on ‘forgetting’ those rooms. The Patrick-train changes course for no executive order.”

Several politicians have argued this year that it is ridiculous for the United States to pay its workers far below similar developed nations’ minimum wages but Patrick despises this argument. He maintains that he doesn’t deserve a penny over $7.25 and is honestly pretty shocked that he makes the current wage. When asked to pick what wage he would give himself, Patrick thought for a while and decided that 60 minutes of his time was probably worth “a footlong sub, but only during Febru-any and definitely not a sub with extra toppings.”

“I’ll accept the money, sure Obama doesn’t have to worry about me using and enjoying the money, Guinness ain’t free boy-o, but I don’t have to make my facial expression show that I have extra spending money.”

As of press time the famous Patrick-pout remains firmly in place and the tenants on Patrick’s cleaning schedule remain just as mildly disappointed with their janitorial service as they were two dollars and eighty five cents ago.