With pressure mounting, Sen. Deb Fischer finally, formally announced that she has no clue what she’s doing.
“I’m excited to eliminate any uncertainty and put this behind us so we can get back to work,” she said. “It’s true: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. It turns out I’m a few riders shy of an omnibus bill.”
Fischer, a first-term Republican and Nebraska’s senior senator, has been expected to make her incompetence official for several months now, but a recent controversy forced her to address the issue sooner than she had hoped. Her statement comes as a reassurance to members of her party that were beginning to doubt her uselessness.
“I was impressed with her handling of the matter,” said Lucinda Harper, a lifelong Republican and Nebraska native. “Her honesty has really restored my faith in the GOP’s bullshit.”
The senator had already declared her support for the Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump. But following the release of tapes in which Trump bragged about getting away with sexual assault because of his wealth, Fischer stated that Trump should resign the nomination and allow his running mate, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, to “serve as our party’s nominee.”
Only a few short days later, she reaffirmed her support for Trump as the nominee, and incredulously denied ever having retracted it in the first place.
“I was hoping to ensure my re-election before clearing the air,” she said. “But my recent decision to flippity-flop all the way to the barbershop and back has left me with no choice but to come right out with it: this job’s way harder than it looks, guys!”
One state-level GOP operative, Carl Sweeney, said Fischer’s announcement will prove to be a pivotal moment in her career, positioning her to become a major player in the near future.
“The Republican Party needs more people who have the courage to come out and say, ‘Look, I’m a major league dum dum,'” Sweeney said. “I think Deb just proved that she’s the future of this party.”
The question, now, is whether Fischer will address the other major concern facing her as of late: the rumored possibility that she’s completely full of shit.
“In due time, I will clarify just exactly how full of shit I am,” she said. “For the time being, Nebraskans can rest easy knowing that I’m just not very good at this. Not even close.”