Freshman Finally Sees Roommate’s Dick for the First Time

There was a quick slide of a key card, the turn of a handle, and a short gasp before the door was slammed shut.

“Well, it finally happened,” says freshman Zach Hennery with a sigh. “I finally saw my roommate’s dick.”

Hennery, a first year student living on Smith 3, describes his relationship with roommate Dillon Anderson as amiable, and while the two don’t share many common interests, they are still friends.

“Well we both like FIFA, and recently he’s been hanging out with me and my buddies more, which is awesome. I think today’s going to be a big step back, though,” said Hennery.

“I always kind of knew this day was coming, but it’s still a shock,” stated Hennery, recounting the incident. “At the beginning of the year walking in on Dillon was a pretty big concern, but then I just let my guard down as we got farther into the semester, and then today it just…happened.”

Hennery added that the two have pretty usual routines, and it’s most likely his cancelled MATH 106 class accounts for the unplanned encounter. “It’s funny, because back in August I used to dread how it might happen. I figured he would be pounding it to porn on our TV, or getting ready to send a dick-pic, but in the end he was just changing out of his gym shorts. It was sad, really.”

When asked to describe the brief, awkward moment Hennery stumbled, “Well it definitely wasn’t very long. No, no, I didn’t see it for very long! I’m not saying that…oh God, can we please just not talk about this?”

Eventually, Hennery stated that, while it was over in a flash, he got a good enough view to confirm that “the carpet matches the drapes,” and that Anderson could theoretically marry someone of the Jewish faith.

“In the end, I think the worst part was the millisecond we made eye contact,” Hennery added. “He was just so vulnerable and innocent. That’s what’s going to haunt my dreams for the next month and a half. Those damned, crystal-blue, Bambi eyes.”

After taking five minutes to collect himself in the bathroom, Hennery reentered the room, and acknowledged Anderson as if nothing had happened. The two then struggled through a silent lunch of kielbasa and stewed cherries at the Harper Dining Hall.

When asked if he ever intends to speak with Anderson about the incident, Hennery replied, “Fuck no.”