Guy In Mom’s Basement Can Fix Eastern Conflicts, He Tells Computer Screen

As the violent revolutions rage on in Egypt, Yemen and Tunisia, interested parties have been debating solutions to soothe the unrest. While international organizations find themselves short-handed in devising such plans, there seems to be a sliver of hope in the form of a stocky, white man, residing comfortably in his mother’s Lincoln basement.

“The United States is going about this all wrong,” said 42-year-old Robert Ward, as he wiped a layer of Dorito crumbs from his Mario Brothers tee shirt and red Cornhusker sweatpants, not lifting his eyes from the screen of his Macbook Pro. “It’s this sort of consumerist shit that’s sparked these revolutions. Obama is backing a slow transition for Mubarak. All the protesters want is his removal, now. Of course there are some American interests working behind that. It’s ridiculous.”

Ward continued selectively clicking links on the homepage of, passing over ones that begged “Donate to Egyptian Protesters,” while religiously clicking on political cartoons and pictures of kittens, overlapped by grammatically incorrect text. He commented obsessively on threads pertaining to the revolutionary subject, often exchanging harsh words with opponents. Wikipedia remains a permanent tab on his browser, “for reference.”

When asked about his opinion on the revolutions in Yemen and Tunisia, Ward failed to give an extensive comment, saying only, “Egypt is where it’s at, man. There’s some real shit going on over there.”

However, despite his apparent superficial knowledge of the subject, Ward assures our sources that he knows what is best for these protesters and their governmental situation. “I know what it’s like to be controlled by special interests, whether by an individual or a corporation… mom. America’s on the brink of its own revolution, man. It pisses me off that so many people are oblivious to what needs to happen over there,” he said, immediately turning back to face the glow of his computer screen. “It’s bound to happen sometime.”