Harvey Perlman Sets Goal of 30 Students Smiling by Today

After years of worrying if the University of Nebraska-Lincoln could could reach his bold declaration of 30,0000 students by 2020, Chancellor Harvey Perlman has shocked the school with an amendment to his earlier announcement.

“I think we will have succeeded as a Big 10 university if we have 30 students smiling,” Perlman said in a statement Tuesday. “We don’t need to impress anyone, 30 students grinning and I’ll be a happy chancellor.”

Initially worried that 30 may still be to bold of a goal, Harvey sweetened the deal by shaking a wad of half used Domino’s gift cards and promising a pizza party for any UNL students flashing their pearly whites.

Although UNL is currently at 81,976.67% of this goal, Harvey assures faculty that is is never a good idea to treat attendance numbers as a given and warned of the dreaded 8-5 football season that could decimate campus. This amendment has surprised many of the school’s administrators but sources close to Harvey indicate that it’s much better for the chancellor’s happiness.

“I’m just always beaming now,,”” said Perlman in a follow up statement Wednesday. “It’s nice to feel ol’ Harv smile again. Sometimes I’ll just walk into a lecture hall, do a quick head count and text myself ‘you’ve done it again.’ I’m just so proud of what UNL can do if we commit to a vision.”