Health Center Nurse Pretty Positive It’s Just A Rash

Local news sources reported earlier this week that Karen Shiff, a sophomore chemistry major at UNL, who spent all day Monday expelling blood from a gaping hole on her side in the University Health Center lobby has been officially released. Shiff, a long time resident of Lincoln, was ejected from the Health Center with ointment for the strange wound Nurse Grace Neesen filed as “just a rash.”

Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss

“The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Health Center is a beacon for students without access to funds in need of quality medical care,” said Resident Medical Intern Jeff Dwier “We pride ourselves on diagnosing cases no other first year students at the University could.”

The Health Center staff stands behind the diagnosis and is determined that any negative side-effects incurred by Shiff were “entirely the patient’s fault” and could have been avoided by following proper Health Center procedure.

Outlets reported that Shiff is now being helicoptered to Omaha’s University Medical Center as many of her rash symptoms have escalated, including the reddening of the surrounding area and skin paleness due to massive blood loss and expulsion of many of her vital organs.

“University officials have chosen to take the side of the Health Center, which many people are saying is controversial, what with her stomach falling out and all…” said Dwier “…but considering the circumstances, I think it’s pretty obvious we’ve done all we can on our end.”