Hoarder Will Not Pass the Ketchup

A late-night meal at Village Inn turned sour last Saturday evening when local hoarder Gertrude Harris refused to pass a bottle of Heinz ketchup to a table of students just feet away. Other customers on-site at the time reported they were just as astounded at the inattentive service as they were at the selfishness of Harris.

“She just looked at me dead in the eyes and said ‘No’ after I asked for the ketchup. There were, like, eight bottles on her table,” said Rebecca Roberts, a UNL senior.

Things escalated when Roberts and her two companions decided to retaliate by taking every mustard and syrup bottle in the restaurant for their single table. In response, Harris reportedly clutched her bottles of ketchup to her chest and started shaking in anger.

“Yeah, I could totally tell she wanted the mustard. That was her next target,” Roberts added to her testimony.

The lone waitress working at Village Inn Saturday night refused to comment but, according to Roberts, was raucously laughing in the corner throughout the scramble for condiments.

Harris was not available for a statement, as she passed away in her house Sunday after being smothered by her 47 cats. Her funeral will take place Tuesday morning at St. Michael’s Lutheran Protestant Unorthodox Church.