Huskers to Institute All Tight End Offense

After the Huskers 9-4 football season in 2011, offensive coordinator Tim Beck announced the offense is getting a revamp. Beck further explained that the team would be undergoing a journey to find the cause of those four losses. Following careful study, which included attaching a camera to quarterback Taylor Martinez’s helmet during practice, the coaches had a diagnosis: Martinez apparently can’t see anything downfield.

“Well, what do they expect?” asked Martinez when told of the findings. “They keep putting a bunch of big tall guys in front of me and the other team puts even more, then they get in a fight and I get distracted.”

In an effort to correct both problems, Beck reported the team will be undertaking something unprecedented in football history.

Starting next season, Husker officials will be taking out the offensive line and replacing them entirely with tight ends.

“By doing this, we can eliminate Taylor’s blocked view and give him more targets down field,” said Beck in a press release on the unorthodox setup. When asked why he was not replacing the back field with more receivers instead of the linemen, Beck responded, “Actually, we are doing both.”

Beck went on to explain that the entire offense, save the quarterback, would be replaced with these ‘tighter ends’ and that even Martinez would be going in to receiver training. “We are operating under the assumption that more receivers are always better, so eleven is better than ten.”

The big question left is what will happen when the ball is hiked and the defensive line flattens the tight ends left facing them. In response to these criticisms, offensive line coach Barney Cotton noted that “right now, we’re training them to stand sideways and let the defense rush by them,” adding, “they’re just so skinny.”