I don’t mean to influence your vote, but there’s a drone over your house right now


By Barack Obama
A guy shouldn’t ask for a lot in life, and I don’t think I have. Honestly. A nice gift from my wife here, the leadership of the entire free world there- it’s not much, really.

Obama for Column

I just don’t think I get enough thanks for the work I do. I mean, that unmanned drone thing? It’s pure genius, but no one else seems to think so besides The New York Times. The other guys haven’t seemed to notice.

Just think about how successful those silver-sided puppies have been! We’ve gotten, like, 50 terrorists! At least that’s what my advisors tell me. They tell me lots of things. Sometimes they’re important, sometimes not. Apparently something happened in Libya a while ago, but my friend Dave Letterman made the sadness go away.

Anyway, back to those drones. Can you imagine, something flying in the air without people in it? It’s almost like magic. And they can shoot and make the ground explode! Bam! Boom! Splat! It’s awesome.

It’s Election Day, by the way. I hope some of you have noticed. I’ve been working real hard to get re-elected, because I don’t want to leave DC just yet. The Redskins are just starting to get good; have you seen how that Baylor guy runs? I can’t remember his name, but I like his hair. I wish I could have that hair.

For this Election Day, I thought I’d try something different. Mr. Axelrod said it’d be OK if we flew those drones over America today, to show everyone how awesome they are. I hope you all get to see them, and realize that it doesn’t matter if we hit a few civilians sometimes. My advisors tell me that they all end up ok.

I talk to Michelle a lot; she’s really nice to me. She never asks me weird questions like “What happened in Benghazi?” or “What is your economic plan for the next four years?” I can’t answer those. I’d like to just draw everyone’s attention to what I’ve done with the green energy companies. Can you imagine? Glowing green stuff! It’ll be just like the movies.

So anyway, don’t let the flying fun-bots distract you when you’re voting today, OK? That’s the last thing I’d want. Just don’t think about them and everything will be fine. Don’t think, and everything will be fine. Just like Mr. Axelrod says.